The thief left it behind: the moon at my window - Ryokan

Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts

Sunday, August 31, 2008

A dream

Umbilicalcord

A precious being, 'X', told me a dream he had the other night.

A friend was committing suicide.
He poured petrol over himself and set himself ablaze.
It was a shocking and horrifying experience.
X ran inside to call people and tell them what was happening.
When he returned
...he saw Buddha seated where his friend had been
At that moment he woke.

I found this dream beautiful and meaningful
It spoke to me of the masks of Buddha.



Everyone is a masked Buddha (universal truth)

Life, the great Guru
brings us many many sacred lessons
- they all take the form of the Masked Buddha

We went on to speak about the difficulties life presents.
The great suffering one experiences.
Death of beloveds, financial hardship, loss, loss, loss...

I thought of the shock 'X' experienced in the dream
- seeing his friend in flames
then the awed amazement to find
Buddha sitting amongst the ashes

I thought of that feeling in our hearts and bodies
at the moment of trauma
loss or extreme hardship
- that sharp pain
that sense of 'AAAAH!'
- THE CRYING OUT WE DO INWARDLY AND SOMETIMES OUTWARDLY TOO.

What is the cause of the immense pain?
Is it the holding on to the mask
which will shift in time
if we allow it
to reveal
the Buddha

Pain is...
holding onto the mask



We went on to speak of the ultimate loss we will all experience
- the loss of our own lives.

I thought of the so obvious yet surprising statement
i heard on the radio the other day:
In 90 years
only a handful of all people living today
will still be alive.

Life is our guru
bearing sacred lessons
preparing us for the final letting go

Each painful experience we have
is an opportunity
to prepare for the final letting go

is an opportunity
to practice acceptance
and going with the flow

This morning I was reflecting on X's dream again/still
and I remembered a while back when I became aware
of the umbilical cord
which holds 'us' to this body.
A sense of awareness that there is an 'etheric body' (for want of another term)
connected to this physical body
And I could feel the cord somewhere above the physical navel area,
perhaps in the area of the solar plexus chakra.

- the sense of this cord is an echo or imprint of that 'aaah' we experience
in those very tough moments,
I wandered if this umbilical cord is also the cord
between ego and higher awareness

The physical body, it's emotions, survival instincts
bound up with the ego's sense of mortality, limitations, need to be in control. etc
whereas our higher awareness which we develop/commune with when we are meditating
is boundless, non dual, etc...

I wondered if enlightenment is the cutting of this umbilical cord
in the same way a baby's is cut
to be freed to live independent of the womb
which brought it to earthly existence

This blog has been quite hard to write
in the sense to trying to describe feelings coherently

it always seems to come back to

Acceptance and

Letting Go

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

How do children know?



when I was 7 years old... my mother came through the gate after one of many many visits to the hospital to see my father.

I watched her from the window as she turned to close the gate and tears started flowing. I sobbed to my sister... 'he's dead... my father is dead...'
then my mother came in and broke the news... embracing us... telling us the blessing he asked her to say to us every night. I cried every night for a year...

Years later I heard Elisabeth Kubler Ross speaking on death and dying and she told of her experiences with children. An example was a certain child who hadn't been told her mother was dying, drew a picture of her mother's overturned chair at the dining room table, while the rest of the family were all occupying their seats. Displaying her awareness, DESPITE NEVER HAVING BEEN TOLD.

As I watched this programme, I remembered my own experience. My mother told me, she never spoken to us about the fact my father was dying because it had been too difficult for her to accept. Yet I knew my father was dying... felt I'd been brought up knowing this...

And this was the ground which was laid for the most crucial experience of all... when my daughter, Gra-anna, committed suicide... and my beautiful grandson, Awen, who you can see in this photo and others in my albums, needed to be spoken to - have me meet him right there in his experience, in the bewilderment and pain he was experiencing... telling him his mom is holding him so close in every moment ... he has a very special angel - a mom spirit guardian.

One of the most powerful moments of my life was when I went to see my daughters body. The last time I'd seen her was a couple of months before on a visit to London. She'd been living in the UK for about 6 years... Gra-anna had met me at the airport - her beautiful radiant face appearing from nowhere, beaming hello...

...time to go in and see her body which had been prepared... suddenly it occurred to me.. what about Awen.. almost all of 4 years old.. should he see his mom's body too? No one had spoken about this. Though Ian, his beautiful father told me he had been wondering about it, when I broached the subject. Part of me felt he should, part of me wanted to protect him...

The compassionate woman who worked there and also owned the funeral service place overheard us... she said how her heart was going out to us.. and told us we should ask Awen. That this is what she always encouraged people to do and she always found children did want to see their loved one's body...

It was like a breath of fresh air - AHA! Of course! I asked Awen, who said very simply, 'Yes, I want to see her.' I prepared him, saying she would look like she is sleeping but would no longer be in her body as she is spirit now and is holding him so close...

Ian and I and Awen went in and he stood looking quietly... after a while he asked what the thing over body her was and we explained they were coverings they had put on her ... then Ian took him out quietly and I stayed... holding this space for a short while.. the last moments I'd ever be with my daughters body on earth... this now slightly ashen face with a trace of a smile the autopsy people had probably placed there which didn't hide.. what.. what was the silent roar I could almost feel tangibly? What were her moments in this transition? This wrenching from the body where she'd experienced such adventures and so much trauma....

in subsequent months and years.. I experienced her journeys again.. sometimes struggles ..much joyousness.... always busy, this beautiful girl! Who loved mother earth and her offspring incomparably...

When I left this room... there was Awen looking at the aquarium chatting about to the fish...

moving from one moment to the next...
as children do....

in that moment I took a great lesson...
about flowing with things...

this is happening...

now this

... now this...

always in the moment
...always the moment sacred...

living as a child

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