The thief left it behind: the moon at my window - Ryokan

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Fear as teacher

A Walking the Labyrinth post


1. My greatest fear is…
2. How fear effects my life
3. The worst thing that could happen if my fear is realised
4. What my fear teaches me

1. my greatest fear is... I see death as the ultimate loss
2. this effects my life by creating instinctual survival reactions and denial
3. the worst thing that can happen is ... I will fall into the unknown. I guess ongoing denial the worst - but as death is inevitable, eventually it must be confronted. Though I guess people sometimes use drugs and all sorts to avoid being aware... Thing is - I want to be conscious. My fear is all about not being conscious
4. my fear teaches me that I want to exist. I do not trust letting go of 'I'.

I am aware that the process of enlightenment requires this very letting go. This teaches me how profound the path is which this fear has opened up to me.
Therefore I realise how important it is to engage with this. I know that regardless of any intellectual or spiritual 'goals - this life as I know it will end. I realise this deeper awareness is helpful in that it leads me to take a more meaningful journey.

I cling to the known and fear the unknown. I look to the known for comfort. Assaji (True Eloquence) once gave me a thought to contemplate; the sun rises each day - not because I will it to - but because it is the nature of night to be followed by day. When I go to sleep at night, I do not fear, 'will day come tomorrow?'
This process also helps me work with other fears I have.

The fear of death probably became conscious when my father died when I was 7 years old. I found the religion of my environment expected me to have faith - but gave me no knowledge. There was a time I feared falling asleep at night because it reminded me of death. Slowly I grew accustomed to this fear and sleep came easily. The issue had simply become dormant. I was in denial to some extent, even while hurtling towards the inevitable.
My daughter, Gra-anna's death was part of an awareness process for me. I definitely experienced a sense of continuity of her being. This gave me some insight, although not at an intellectual level.

I practice this letting go process all the time as life presents opportunities and know it's crucial to have this practice. I am learning through the experiences life presents is that it's 'okay to let go'.

My instinct is to automatically grasp and try and catch myself if I sense I am falling. My spiritual awareness knows that it's okay to fall. My intellectual self brings useful aids like Assaji's tale of the sun rising every morning and working with the daily lessons Guru Life brings. Practice makes me clearer and stronger. This is my path, growing my awareness as much as I can. It's a process on the path to enlightenment.
I’m sure I've left things out! I'll expand later if more thoughts come to me

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